Some thoughts, links and interesting bits and pieces
This is going to be the section of the website where we give people a bit of space to put issues and thoughts out there to stimulate thinking and opportunities. If you'd like to submit a piece then drop us a line.
June 2008 - The Future
The future and thinking about the future is one of those things that we all do at some point. Some of us like Queen Latifah in Last Holiday keep a book of clippings and ideas on the perfect partner, the perfect house, outfits we'd love to wear on a special occasion, others log these things in passing and store them in some inner place in their mind.
Thinking about the future is an interesting thing though, a lack of concept of future is one of the clinical signs of depression. If you cannot conceptualise your future then what have you got to look forward to or what will motivate your to make a difference now to improve your life then.
Some have reflected that the lack of engagement from the LGB and T communities with screening is because there isn't a sense of 'future', that individuals battered by seeing a generation die because of HIV and AIDS have no concept of growing old or investing in a future.
Other reasons might be that LGB and T individuals are less likely to have children so have less investment in being around in the future, less to care about.
Will gay marriage make this change? i don't know....you have to find a partner first and then one that you want to stay with for the 'future'.....not everyone is that lucky....
So as the weather fluctuates, food prices rise and we face a potentially bleak economic future, take a few minutes to reflect on the future you want to have, and how you're going to get there....
Been a while - April 2008
It's been an even longer break this time, partially because work has been more demanding and like many other community activists and volunteers this website has no funding and is done in the small hours of the morning and on sunday afternoons while the washing is on spin cycle.
While I'm typing this I'm watching a BBC documentary on the family live of lions after an online debate about whether sex between two adults is incest if they are not related by blood but only via a tenous step-step relationship. Families in 2008 are changing faster than ever and although I have a good relationship with my biological family, I know that many of my friends don't. Unfortunately many have experienced domestic abuse at the hands of a family members.
Your biological family is one of those things in life that you can't change. Some of us have parents and siblings who are supportive and acceptive of our sexual identity, some accept it but don't want it 'rubbed in their faces', some respond with violence or abuse. As part of my day job I have been editing a resource for gay men and a separate one for lesbians, on domestic abuse, and it saddens me to hear about the number of people, especially young people who experience violence and abuse from people who they have grown up with and who should care and respect them.
It is sometimes a bit of a conceptual leap for people to recognise violence from family members as domestic violence or abuse, but it is, and no one should have to suffer it. The law does recognise abuse from family members as domestic abuse and there are agencies out there to support individuals who suffer abuse.
There is help out there, and it doesn't mean that you have to automatically end up in court despite what the papers might suggest.
If you are in immediate danger - RING 999, contrary to popular mythology the police will intervene in domestic abuse between same sex partners or family members and most have now had diversity training and some decent awareness training about supporting gay and lesbian members of the community.
If you want to talk to someone about what is going on, then pick up the phone and try calling Broken Rainbow, the national LGBT DV helpline, 08452 60 44 60 or www.broken-rainbow.org.uk
Talking to each other - September 2007
Well after a bit of break for the Summit and the Summer, I'm back contemplating our diverse and varied lesbian, gay, bisexual an transgendered communities and one of the things that I come back to again and again is how we talk to each other.
Many of you will have seen discussions become debates and then become arguements and then fueds, between individuals and organisations within our communities. Is this because the queer gene comes with a particularly difficult set of chromosomes that go against social cohesion? I doubt it.....
As individuals who often experience discrimination and social isolation at some point in our lives, do we struggle to build bridges because of that fear of rejection coming back? Talking to strangers is often difficult and for many of us the often irrational fear of being laughed at, ignored or dissmissed underpins the number of times we don't, preventing us from building more bridges and making more friends. Sometimes I get the brush off, or someone I thought would be friendly turns out to be cold and frosty, but often after a few minutes they warm and soften and over time some of those initial ice queens have become close friends and allies.
If I reach across the table and hold the hand of another gay man when we are talking about an emotional issue, is that going to be seen as something sexual or as the gesture of support and compassion it was meant to be? Sometimes we over analyse our actions and that prevents us doing the right thing, if you think there is a risk of being misunderstood, then ask 'can I hug you?', it sounds very american and touchy feely but it makes it clear where you're coming from and acknowledges the person has a right to say no.
The internet has changed the way that we talk to each other and allowed a level of honesty and frank but anonymous debate which can be both liberating and damaging, compassion on the internet is rare, brutal critique is common. To often we bang out emails in the middle of the night without taking the time to breathe and reflect on how they might be read at the other end. Patience is a virtue but it is sometimes hard to come by in a culture of rapid gratification, but even a few breaths before you hit the send button can make the difference.
So before I ramble on too long, as autumn draws in, draw closer to your fellow human, put out that hand of friendship, build a bridge, start a network, join a club, make the effort and trust that the risk is well worth the benefits.
Growing Older - May 2007
Looking around the gay community there aren’t many poster boys using walking aides or sporting grey with pride, yet as HIV medication gets better, we are as a community ageing along with the general population.
I was recently asked to attend an advisory group for a small scoping project looking at older people’s experiences of mental health services and as the conversation progressed I was forced to consider my own potential for later life – a reality I’d been avoiding on the basis of a fantasy about having a life ending heart attack while engaged in a torrid sexual encounter with half the English rugby team around my mid 50s.
If I am unsuccessful in finding a life partner, then who will be around to notice when I put the smoked salmon in the washing machine instead of the fridge and forget to take my blood pressure tablets for two weeks. Unlike my heterosexual colleagues I am not procreating offspring to ensure that there is someone who will be popping in once a week to check I’m leaving them the sculpture collection in the will and who will advocate for me if the time comes to go into residential care.
Much as I have abused my body with chocolate and alcohol, the limited dalliance with recreational drugs and my high intake of anti-oxidants (did u know very good chocolate contains anti-oxidants!) means I might avoid early onset dementia, but if it doesn’t work then who will be the person in my life who will point out that I might be loosing my marbles.
My own great grandmother in her eighties started to loose her cognitive abilities, she reverted to padding her nether-regions with torn up rags then stuffing the soiled rags under the bed where my grandfather (her son in law) had to retrieve them when she was out of the room and dispose of them. In the presence of company she was alert and engaging and seemed pretty together up until she passed one week shy of her hundredth birthday, it was only if you spent lots of time with her that you saw the silent decline.
My grandfather, and only surviving grandparent, is still driving in his eighties – well driving is a slight exaggeration since he rarely goes about 25 kilometres/hour. He is mobile and goes dancing three times a week, elderly single men (he’s widowed) are a rarity and come valentines day his doormat is littered with valentine cards. But when I look at him I cannot conceptualise myself, we pay his bills for him and my father put in cable so he can watch sport, will there be someone who will pay my bills when I’m that old or will I be surviving on what little I’ve saved?
So why this little venture into my own paranoia about growing old? Medicine means that most of us can now expect to see our sixties, seventies and eighties. Some of us will find those life partners and have children, but most of us will rely on those ‘gay families’ that inspire us day in and day out built out of nights out, nights in and shared love, so invest in them. Talk to you friends about growing old, about what you want to happen in the end, if they don’t know, then who will? It is up to us in our 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s to invest in our bodies, minds and bank accounts to prepare for old age. If I’m going to be demented, dribbling and in diapers, you can bet your life I’m going to be doing it in style
Lubricant - April 2007
Well it's been a while since I last reflected in this thinking space, I've been away in the US at the National LGBT Health Summit and the UK CHAPS conference picking up lots of new initiatives and ideas which will be appearing across the website. However on particular issue caught my eye and I wanted to raise it here.... LUBRICANT / LUBE.
Whatever your personal term is for the liquid goo that you use during sex this is a key part of sex play and a safer approach to sex. First of all and before we go any further, if you're using lube with condoms then it needs to be water based, if you don't believe me try blowing one up then rubbing on a little baby oil and watch it burst!
There are loads of different types of lube from Boy Butter which is organic and feels like margarine and comes in a hand tub to the silicon based lubes like ID and Powerglide to denser more creaming lubes like Liquid Silk to good old fashions but now in handy pocket sized tubes KY, try them out, try different ones, try some of the handy sample sizes you can buy from websites all over the place, work out what works for you.
There is some evidence that using more lube helps reduce the risk of HIV transmission. If you're using sex toys it helps provide a barrier between microscopic cracks in the rubber that can harbour nasty bugs and if you're using condoms a little drop on the dick before sliding it down will help increase the sensation for the guy doing the fucking and a lot around the outside not only helps your lover slip inside it also helps reduce some of the friction on the latex and reduces the risk of tearing or splitting the condom.
A wonderful advocate of the work on microbicidal lubricant in the US, Jim Pickett, is running an international survey of men and women about how we use lube, what types we prefer and what works and what doesn't so check out his website and let him know what you think at www.lifelube.org
Personal Safety - Feb 2007
The Susy Lamplugh Trust has used LGBT His
1. LGBT people experience a high proportion of aggression in or around their home from neighbour harassment. Think about the places in your neighbourhood where you would be confident of finding people you could ask for help.
2. Think about where the danger spots may be along your regular routes, and how you could avoid them (e.g. waste land, dark alleyways, deserted or poorly lit areas etc)
3. Walking against the direction of oncoming traffic will help you avoid kerb crawlers.
4. If you feel at all threatened by someone, take evasive action. Move away, cross the road etc. and move towards somewhere where there are other people.
5. Consider carrying a personal shriek alarm. Carrying an alarm can give you extra confidence and you can use it to shock and disorientate attackers giving you time to get away.
6. If a vehicle pulls up suddenly alongside you, turn and walk in the other direction - you can turn much faster than a car.
7. We all have the right to wear any clothes we wish, but we also need to be aware what effect our choice of clothes may have on others. Think about clothes you can move in easily should you need to get away fast.
8. Be mindful that alcohol and drugs use will reduce your ability to keep yourself safe.
9. Avoid confrontation. Do not meet aggression with aggression. Learn to talk your way out of problems, stay calm, and speak confidently, slowly and clearly. Breathe out slowly to help you relax.
10. When travelling on public transport, take note of where the emergency alarms are and try to sit near to them - there are alarms on every bus, in every train carriage and on every platform. If you feel threatened, make as much noise as possible to attract the attention of the driver or guard. Sound the emergency alarm and if on a station platform you can use the telephone at the Help Points.
Personal Flaws - Jan 2007
Well it's a new year and although I'm not a huge fan of these moralistic stories I thought this one was a good one to reflect upon for the new year...so here goes....
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked Pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
To all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers, on your side of the path.
Festive Season is coming on fast - December 2006
Well, sorry it's been so long since I wrote a column but went through a bit of a low period while trying to sort out my day job and am only now coming out from under and heading straight into the chaos of the festive season. Whatever you're faith you can't really escape Christmas and all that it brings.....
First off - family - everyone's family is different, some of us will spend the festive season with friends rather than blood relations, others will be making the annual trek home for traditional gorging and family tensions. For some christmas is a great time full of fun, laughter and love, but for many of us it's hard work.....so go easy on yourself and if it gets too much take five minutes and go for a walk round the block, the fresh air will help clear your head and it may stop you saying something you later regret....it doesn't always work but it's worth a go.....
Second thing to think about is debt.....most of you will be aware of the Sharepak disaster and at this time of the year it's easy to hit the aisles on a spending spree. Some of us make ourselves feel better by spending money on others, just as much as on ourselves, so whipping that credit card out can be as much of an emotional prop as hitting the hagens dagz or lighting up a cigarette. Getting into debt is really, really easy.....getting out is hard..... Most people will love you just as much for a home made gift made with thought and love as for a flash new gadget....so before you open your wallet, make sure you can afford it.... If you do find you've already splashed the cash then get in touch with one of the credit helplines before taking out a loan, they'll help you find a way to pay it off without living on bread and water for the next year.
Looking after your feet! - October 2006
We sometimes forget about our feet but they are an essential part of getting about for most people. It is very easy to ignore that patch of athlete's foot, the ulcer between your toes or the chronic pain in the sole of your feet that makes the morning trip to the bathroom utter agony.
Podiatrists and Chiropidists are both specialists who look after feet, most GP's will also be able to have a look at your feet and help you work out whats going on. So before a small problem becomes a big problem, take the time to check it out with someone who knows....
Thinking Space - September 2006
Sometimes we all have things on our minds which we find hard to say to people we know, feeling sad, angry or upset about something that has happened or simply unhappy with ourselves for some reason. It can be very hard to sit down with a friend and tell them that you feel unhappy or hate yourself or feel suicidal, so we just bottle them up and dwell on them.....but you don't have to.
Organisations such as the Samaritans, Lesbian and Gay Switchboard and the THT Helpline provide confidential and safe spaces to just let these things out. All of them offer non-judgemental spaces which allow people to just talk about what's going on and how they feel about things. All have worked hard to ensure that their volunteers are trained and aware of LGB and T issues and provide a non-judgemental service for all callers.
So this month, don't bottle it up, pick up the phone and let it out....
Sorting out the little things - August 2006
Everyone has little things that niggle them and get on your nerves. That aching tooth that is a pain but not quite enough to force you to see a dentist, the pain in your feet that makes the morning walk to the bathroom agony but by lunchtime is a dull enough ache that a podiatrist appointment is avoided for a club sandwich with a side of fries and the slight tingle when you pass water is not quite burning enough to get you through the door of the sexual health clinic.
The body's way of telling us something is wrong is through pain, almost every serious medical condition starts with something little - and no, that's not an excuse to become a total hypochondriac! That tooth pain might be fixed with a filling rather than later on when it's a root canal procedure, the ache in your feet might be plantar facitis which can be resolved with better footware and some simple exercises before it becomes it becomes so bad that surgery is needed and the tingle could be a common urinary tract infection or a sexually transmitted disease, both resolved with antibiotics, rather than full blown kidney infections or somthing that could leave you with a lot of very angry ex partners chasing you down the high street.
August is usually a quiet time for people so use some of that time to make the appointment and get those little things sorted out before they become big things that really do some damage.
Heatwave - July 2006
Well the Heatwave is upon us......
Very hot weather can be a dangerous as extreme cold and yet we don't really think about sunburn in the same way we think of frostbite...I guess that's because bits don't go black and drop off, but on the other hand they both can kill.
The government guidence, and common sense in a heatwave, is to stay indoors in the hotest part of the day (11am-3pm), drink lots of water and stay out of the sun.
The sun is another thing to think about in this hot weather, the gay and lesbian press seems to be full of sun-tanned hunks, but for every suntanned adonis there are a hoard of us with painful and possibly deadly sunburn. Melanoma/Skin Cancer is a major cause of death in the UK and the more times you get sunburnt the more likely you are to develop skin cancer....so the question to ponder is....is a sun tan worth the risk?
So enjoy the hot weather, slip into something loose and comfortable that protects you from the sun, slap on a sun hat or carry a tasteful parasol and slop on some suntan cream so you don't end up lobster pink and developing cancer...
Looking After Each Other - June 2006
The summer it seems has arrived at last and with it comes the normal round of social events, BBQ's and general spending times in the park and so this month it is important to think about your friends that might be lonely at this time of year.
Lonely people can be very sensitive and find it hard to talk about their loneliness and something as simple as asking them out for a coffee, take them to a movie or to see a new exhibition.
If you commit to doing something with them, then don't pull out at the last minute and try not to reschedule, they might see it as the one thing to look forward to that week or day, and also it might take a lot of effort for them to actually come out if they're a bit depressed.
Sending the odd email or text message just to say hi and that you're thinking of them.
Take the time this month to tell someone their on your mind.....it takes seconds but it will make them smile and might just make their day...
Taking Time - May 2006
Well this month's thinking space is a little late as I spent some time in hospital with viral pneumonia brought on probably through exhaustion. So it's prompted me to review my life a bit and I thought I would take some personal time in this month's thinking space to reflect on taking time for myself, or rather taking time for yourself.
It can be very easy to be caught up in work, social life, dating or holding together a relationship and it is very easy to forget to spend time looking after ourselves.
Looking after yourself doesn't always mean jumping on a treadmill or dusting of the juicer - but if that's what you like to relax then that's cool - for some of us it's an indulgent evening or afternoon in a cinema, or snuggled on the sofa, watching a trashy movie with a giant tub of popcorn and a soda. Or a walk in the park, or spending a few hours pottering around the garden, or in my case the balcony, fiddling in the mud and deadheading the daffodils. For some people it can be as simple as a long soak in the bath with lots of bubbles, candles and a favourite CD playing.
Looking after yourself is about making time to just be with yourself, taking a few moments or an hour or two just to be in that moment, in that space and breath a bit. It all sounds a bit zen but it is one of the ways of keeping a bit of balance in your life and keeping sane.
Try it.....you might enjoy it....
Straight Acting? - April 2006
How many times have you been perusing the personal ads and come across the phrase 'straight-acting'? Have you thought about how many of the ads are pushing those 'straight acting' buttons. For some reason there seems to be something more desirable about apeing 'straights', a guy in a tool belt and builders hat seems to have more market value the effeminate androgeny of an indie boy or a muscle bound drag queen. Have you ever seen a personal ad that said 'love camp guys'?
Some people have mentioned that the drive to be straight acting is a proxy for gay men who want to go back into the closet and deny their sexuality.....controversial but an interesting perspective on the the sissyphobia that seems to be around.
But on the other hand some of the most visibly successful lgb people have bucked the gender trends. Artists such as Elton John, Julien Clary, Kenneth Williams, Brian Moloko have enjoyed the freedom their sexuality brings to be themselves. Increasingly personal ads are appearing which say 'I like people to be themselves, don't put on a front, no need to be straight acting'.
So where is this months ramble going? It's okay to be explore your sexuality, it's okay to explore gender representation without having to come out as anything other than yourself. Camp is cool, fey is okay and effeminacy rocks. So buck the trend and have some fun....
Relationships - March 2006
The just launched GMFA campaign on relationship tips (http://www.metromate.org.uk/camp/relationtips/RelationTips.pdf ) had me thinking about the challenges of holding down relationships in the lgbt community. The campaign pictures a range of gay relationships from fuck buddy to monogomous coupledom and recognises that there isn't a one size fits all for gay and bisexual men. I've not seen anything similar for Lesbians and Bisexual women but if the L-word is to believed the same diversity applies and the stereotypes of lesbian relationships are a thing of the past.
As a 'currently single' gay man I have watched the impact of civil partnership legislation with interest on my coupled and single gay men.
For some, it has just drifted by, something logged at the back of the brain until Mr/Mrs Right comes along or the next invitation to celebrate someone else's love life drops on the door mate.
For some, it has meant financial safety and way to get their affairs in order and ceremonies have been quiet affairs, personal celebrations in personal ways.
For others, the big merrangue dress beckons and every kitsch fantasy will be played out in front of gather friends, neighbours and family. With those of us still single clustered round the spinster table trying to catch the eye of the best man....
In some ways civil partnership is a great celebration of all that has been achieved and I'm not really knocking it, but it has opened up a whole new set of conversations in a relationship.
'Do you want a wedding list? How about a champagne reception? Who gets a dress?'
Almost everyone at some point has considered getting married, if only in my dreams to ricky martin, and all of us deep down have some thoughts about what it is we want that day to be. What's interesting is that we don't really discuss it or share those thoughts, fears, dreams and hopes.
It also opens up questions about what do you call yourself when Mr/Mrs Right walks out the door or passes away? Is widowhood a term we want or feel comfortable with?
So my thought to March, I guess it's to think about what it is you want. If it's Mr/Mrs Right then that's cool, if it's Mr/Mrs Right Now then that's cool and if its something in between then that's cool too....be open to new things and think about what will make you happy....
LGBT History Month - Feb 2006
Well Feb 2006 marks the second ever LGBT History Month and its a great opportunity to get out of the house and attend one of the many events going on around the country. There is a comprehensive listing at http://www.lgbthistorymonth.org.uk/
On the health front, it's particularly exciting that there is a Health Taster Day on the 11th Feb in Southwark at Glaziers Hall in London Bridge. The Department of Health are doing a recruitment drive to get LGBT people to have photographs taken to add to the department's image bank so that they can produce more representative literature.
The Department are also hosting an event themselves at Skipton House on the 23rd Feb which should be interesting and informative.
The spring often makes us think about new beginings and new starts and it is also a time to reflect on the year just passed and the one just starting. LGBT History Month offers a great opportunity to find out about other LGBT's experiences and recognise similarities and tips and hints that you might find useful. So try something new, you never know, you might enjoy it.... :)
The Festive Season
Just contemplating the festive season and all the emotions that it brings up about family and friends.
Some of us are fortunate in having a family who are supportive and loving and a great circle of friends and a loving partner. But being single, estranged from your family or being alone bacause all your friends have gone home, is sometimes hard.
Some people volunteer over the festive season as a way to stave off the feelings of lonliness and projects like Crisis Open Christmas are a great way to spend the season (http://www.crisis.org.uk/ )
But that's not for everyone and for those that are finding it hard sometimes it's good to talk to someone so here are a few numbers:
This website lists all of the LGBT switchboards:
http://www.queery.org.uk/StaticPages/Advice.asp
The London one is 020 7837 7324 and is 24hrs
The other place to contact for finding someone to speak to is the Samaritans. It may sound patronising but sometimes it is good to talk to a stranger about what is going on in your life and how you're feeling about stuff.
The Samaritans ( http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ ) number is 08457 90 90 90
Hope this is helpful
Previous thoughts........
Community Action - Or getting off your butt......
How often do you sit round and set the world to rights with your mates? Over a few drinks suddenly all the answers become clear and you have a eureka moment and although you probably think about it for a few days, soon it is lost into the humdrum of life.
Over the last few months I've been discovering different ways that you can make a difference and turn those late night eureka's into action and actually finding that sometimes these drops in the ocean actually do affect the current and change the way the world turns.... This website it one of the things that I've done, but also I've emailed my MP about the kids who were hanged in Iran, responded to a government consultation on pornography and complained to the BBC about the lack of information provided after the Sad to Be Gay documentary....and most of these took less than the time it takes my kettle to boil....
So here are a few things to ponder....
If you are angry about something the government does then complain. It's pretty easy now we have the internet. Almost every government department has a customer service email and most have a duty to respond to all queries. Some have even gone further, like the minister of state for Health Patricia Hewitt, and set up special 'ask the minister' emails. You don't have to be a great writer, just put down how you feel and try to give some suggestions to how things might be fixed. The DirectGov website lets you find just about anything to do with national and local government and is a great place to start if something is niggling you.
You have an MP and they're there to represent your views in parliment. There is a fantastic website which makes it really easy to get in touch with your MP. It even helps work out who your MP is...so check it out and start letting your MPs know what you expect of them.
The government is constantly holding consultations on things and if you've got a particular area of interest then have keep an eye on the department's website, there is normally a live consultations webpage and most can be submitted by email so are a good way of making your voice heard.
Finally, complain....if there is something that you don't like then complain about it. The BBC for example have a web-based complaints form and they respond quite quickly to constructive criticism.
In healthcare, if you don't complain then nothing changes. The NHS has things called Patient Advise and Liaison Services (PALS) and every PCT and hospital trust has one, they are confidential and you can ring them just to discuss what has happened and how you could take things further if you wanted to.
Anyway so the rant is over, the world only changes because people help it change...so take a few minutes and put those ideas into action....